Four Years Later, Still Feels Like Yesterday.

Experiencing Love and Loss are two things all of us live through, We all have different way of coping, dealing and moving on. There are those of us who ignore the obvious and try to bury our problems, and pray that they don't come and bite us on the ass. And there are those of us who tackle problems head on and never look back. In my case I try to bury things and ignore what's looking right at me and now I'm getting the bite in the ass.

 

Exactly four years on, A huge wave has hit and now I'm left to pick up the pieces. It's been four years since I last spoke to my best friend and I miss him more than words can describe. Now it seems that as the days go on and I get older I begin to realise what really happened that day and that the memories are going to fade more and more. Now all I want to do is accept the truth and start dealing with what's happen.

 

And the challenge begins, I'm going start of with baby steps, i'll keep you all updated.

Never Gonna Miss What I Left Behind ...

Our modern society is all controlled by "groups, clicks and clichés". It's beginning to be impossible to be yourself and enjoy who you are and what you have to give. People spend their lives trying to perfect something that brings them so little joy. They spend thousands upon thousands of dollars  to get the "in" look, to fit in and be noticed, for what? for who?, does this actually make them feel better?

I have never really understood the need to change the person who you really are to impress someone, I have on occasions gone to the trouble to make a ever lasting first impression, but I did learn quite quickly that at the end of the day it just wasn't worth. I've grown out of the need to follow trends and be what everyone wants me to be. 

I've met a few really interesting people in the past few weeks, A hand full of them are unique and understand who they are, they don't follow what others around them are doing, but instead do there own thing, and encourage me to be who I really am. After you meet someone who appreciates who you are and you don't have to change anything about how you act, It makes you realize that, you need to clean out the people who take this away from you .....

What Goes Around, Always Comes Back ...

There is a constant pattern in everyday life its called death and birth, these are either the most happiest or saddest time in a persons life, in my case these past 3 days have been affected by death, my grandpa died on Wednesday morning in his sleep. Today he was put to rest with my grandma who only passed last November, It's an extremely had time for my family, the small community of Rychliki where my grandparents lived for just under 40 years and where my mother grew up, but its most painfully for my mum and myself, we couldn't be there to celebrate the life that both of my grandparents had, instead where stuck here with no closure and no explanation. 

 

To make matters worse on my end, my boyfriend had to leave to go home  yesterday, as had as it is to admit I do function better as a person when I'm around him, and now that his gone the pain of my grandpa's death has intensified, nothing has been able to bring a smile to my face, yesterday when he left I tired to keep myself occupied which worked it didn't give me much time to think ... But today I woke up and I haven't been able to find the mental capacity to do anything, I've sat and stared at the wall in front of me all day, trying to figure out what could possibly make the pain go away and came up with nothing. To make matters worse it always feels like I can't talk to my boyfriend when he goes home I can't see his face so I don't know what his feeling, this is the one thing that drives me insane, after a few weeks it gets better and I try to make myself believe that I don't care, but that only goes so far .... it all works out fine until he comes back to live with me and I realize that its important again, and so after he goes home again I'm stuck and I'm back where I started from. It's a strange feeling of been abandoned over and over again, having no control makes it more of a struggle .....

Losing The War With Yourself

Everyone has those days when they know life can not possibly get any worse, the lucky ones don't have these days so much but unlucky people like me seem to have bad seasons, things don't just go wrong once or twice, they keep going on for weeks on end.  There's no escaping it, your stuck and you have to live it out.

 

For me the past few weeks haven't been as pleasant as I would have wanted, I'm living through two recent family deaths, a constant struggle to keep everyone around me happy and someone who I love more than anything, going home two states away from me. I knew going into a long distance relationship would be hard, but each time I end up been alone after weeks of been happy makes the battle to keep everything together even harder ...  and the cheery on this problematic cake is my mums recent car accident, seems like problems with that issue are never going to be resolved.

 

I'm begging to feel like I'm losing the battle with everything, It's not so hard to accept that I don't have much control over life, but some control is needed, and this control seems to be vanished and not coming back anytime soon.

Reunion

Just when you think the world is against you, something odd happens ... like in my example been invited to a "get together" with some old school friends or old school enemies, its hard to put a label on it. I wasn't really planning on going, been invited is one thing, been seen there is another. You have to keep in mind that just 2 years ago there had been a huge blow out between me and them, and after a year and half of silence i finally figured since we were about to graduate high school i should put it behind me, move on and try to mend the damage. So during our last days at school we put all the crap behind us and hung out, also ended up re-uniting a 4 year feud which was a complete shock. Even tho we all said we'd put everything behind us i still didn't feel like i did before it all began, so after school finished i didn't really keep in touch with them, there was the short and sweet conversations online, but this was a very rare occurrence since we'd gone our own ways and there was really nothing keeping us together.

On Friday night, my neighbor and very long time friend, came around and convinced me to go, and reassured me that if anything were to go wrong, he'd be there to take me home. So i ended up going, and ended up seen another old friend at the video store so i invited him and his girlfriend to come along with us, since i hadn't seen him in two years. It than came to me that this might not be too bad. So when we got there, i saw all these people who i hadn't seen in over a year and it brought back all the fun that i had during those last days of school.

It came as a surprise that everyone who knew me there was really happy to see me, I was no way expecting such a warm welcome. It made the thought of actually been there that much more manageable. I instantly felt like i was back in year 10 before everything had turned a 180. I even got a apology from my x-best friend, so in return i spent the rest of the night looking after her and helping her sober up so her mum wouldn't know how much she was drinking.

I ended up catching up with a lot of my old friends, had many good conversations and realized that not only life changes after high school but people do as well, the majority do anyways. I actually had a really good time, such a good time that i was one of the last few people to go home. I wouldn't mind doing it all again. I guess I learn't that i should try before i judge and back out.

Till next :)

A Short Bio

My name is Reggie, I'm 18 and graduated from High School last year, I've spent this year not really doing anything, i went to Europe at the start of the year to visit all of my family for 3 months, which was an awesome experience, after not seen them in 11 years it was good, gave me a chance to figure out what i wanted to do with my life and how to be my own person and not be controlled by peers or the society around me. I also had my 18th birthday with everyone who has known me since i was little, it was by far a birthday to remember.

After spending time there i came to the decision that i wanted to be a Cardio/Thoracic Surgeon, which came to a surprise to many people, since before that i wanted to get into Graphic Design Advertising and Game Making, but i figured after spending a lot of time with my grandma who's a Nurse, that it would be a challenge that without a doubt i could tackle.

Unfortunately in early October, my grandma unexpectedly passed away after been very sick, which meant that life as i knew it was about to change forever, It's almost scary how much changes with the death of just one person. Reality gave me a nice smack in the face that day, Since than it's made me think more about what goes on in the world, not just whats around me. For anyone who knows me they know that, once i get set on a project i don't give up so easy, I like to be well informed on a subject before i throw all thoughts about it out the window. I like learning and I like to think i have an understanding of what could be or could have been.

I figure you all should know that I'm a very patient person, who is happy and has a positive out look on life and is very easy to get along with, I'm not quick to judge and always up for a good conversation :) I'm also what you would call a TV show junkie, there is roughly 20 - 25 shows I'm really into and can tell you just about anything you want to know about them, I tend to store more useless information than things that i need to remember, But don't we all?

Until next time, Take care.