There is a constant pattern in everyday life its called death and birth, these are either the most happiest or saddest time in a persons life, in my case these past 3 days have been affected by death, my grandpa died on Wednesday morning in his sleep. Today he was put to rest with my grandma who only passed last November, It's an extremely had time for my family, the small community of Rychliki where my grandparents lived for just under 40 years and where my mother grew up, but its most painfully for my mum and myself, we couldn't be there to celebrate the life that both of my grandparents had, instead where stuck here with no closure and no explanation.
To make matters worse on my end, my boyfriend had to leave to go home yesterday, as had as it is to admit I do function better as a person when I'm around him, and now that his gone the pain of my grandpa's death has intensified, nothing has been able to bring a smile to my face, yesterday when he left I tired to keep myself occupied which worked it didn't give me much time to think ... But today I woke up and I haven't been able to find the mental capacity to do anything, I've sat and stared at the wall in front of me all day, trying to figure out what could possibly make the pain go away and came up with nothing. To make matters worse it always feels like I can't talk to my boyfriend when he goes home I can't see his face so I don't know what his feeling, this is the one thing that drives me insane, after a few weeks it gets better and I try to make myself believe that I don't care, but that only goes so far .... it all works out fine until he comes back to live with me and I realize that its important again, and so after he goes home again I'm stuck and I'm back where I started from. It's a strange feeling of been abandoned over and over again, having no control makes it more of a struggle .....
